This an honest and perhaps the most challenging piece I will ever write.

The last time I saw my mother was the Friday morning before she took her life.

I awoke early...excited to be going on a school ski trip.
When I went into her room I was sad to see something I had not seen before, She was asleep with a bottle of vodka in her hand,  I was 12 years old, I picked up the bottle and put it on her dresser. " Mom, It's time to get up."  I went to the kitchen and ate a bowl of cereal. When I went back to mom's room the vodka bottle was empty and mom was getting dressed. It was dark. 

We went to the station wagon, mom was slurring her words and unsteady. So I got in the drivers seat...I had not driven before and it was a very long winding road to the church. I drove the car, when we got to the church I took my stuff from the car and mom got into the drivers seat. I said " Mom, please take care of yourself "...
I know my mother was embarrased and filled with shame. What I didn't know at the time was that there was a love affair that was filling my parents with guilt and confusion.

I had a good weekend filled with teenage fun. 

The Sunday we got back to the church parking lot many parents were there for the other kids. There was a hush that fell.  My best friend Julie was with me... and others. I remember hearing "they are coming to get you" and I knew something was horribly wrong. When I was on the phone I asked "Can I talk to mom?" Nobody would answer... they just kept repeating "they are coming to get you."

The feelings that engulfed me then stayed with me for years. Nothing would ever be the same.

She left notes for us. 

They were hidden 

.....and found 

.......and hidden again 

........and then destroyed. But I remember finding one and it said : Mommy is going to do something that is going to hurt you very much.... It said more but that is what I remember reading, the rest is a blur. And she was right. It hurt a LOT.

The following beliefs took years to untangle;
Trust nobody
I am not lovable
I am not worthy

My mother was a wonderful, beautiful lady She was loved by so many. She was funny, loving and smart. She was also troubled and plagued by depression. The drinking only enflamed matters. 

What I do know now for certain:

None of her trouble had ANY thing to do with US. 
We didn't cause it and we couldn't cure it.
We are lovable 
We can still have fulfilling lives with great relationships. 
We are NOT our parents
We do not have to repeat our parents mistakes.